It's all so intense in the beginning of a relationship.
Sex is priority number one—who cares about sleep? Or work? Or really anything that doesn't involve getting naked? But over time, the urgency to tear off each other's clothes gives way to more mundane activities, such as eating breakfast and showering. Nobody plans for the heat to dissipate. It just does.
The first signs of a slump from your once super sex often appear around the two-year mark, when you've settled into a comfortable long-term romance. "As your relationship gets better and more secure, the sexual excitement may fade," cautions couples and sex therapist Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of What About Me? "Since you know he's not going anywhere, there's little motivation to pull out all the stops in bed to impress him like you did when you first started dating, and vice versa. So sex starts to become routine."
To make matters worse, the hormones that are responsible for boosting your bedroom bliss pull a disappearing act right when you need them most. "In the beginning of a relationship, the sex hormones estrogen and testosterone, dopamine (the pleasure neurotransmitter), and oxytocin (the bonding hormone) spike," says Barbara Bartlik, M.D., a sex therapist in New York. "But they can decline back to base levels at about 24 months."
Scientists aren't exactly sure why things fizzle, but they suspect it has something to do with evolution. "In the human species, newborns have the best chance of survival when they have two parents during their first couple of years of life," says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of Why Him? Why Her? "So whether or not you decide to have kids, you're hardwired to form a strong two-year sexual bond, which acts as superglue to ensure neither parent leaves for another mate while the child is still developing."
That's not to say you can't tinker with that wiring. In fact, simply switching up the types of sex you have can completely reinvigorate your relationship in ways you've never imagined. "Mixing up erotic styles keeps your sex life in shape, just like mixing up your workouts keeps your body fit and challenged," says Miro Guldelsky, D.H.S., a sex therapist in New York City. Not only that, but "continuing to play around with novel types of sex allows you to uncover your sexual preferences—ones you may not have even known you had," says Greer. "And as a couple evolves, adding different dimensions to their sex life will strengthen the relationship overall."
Behold the four types of sex that experts say you should add to your repertoire.
Maintenance Sex
"Think of this as meat-and-potatoes sex—it happens at the end of the day, during the week, when a run-of-the-mill romp is all you have energy for," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at the University of Washington and author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years.
Having sex while Jay Leno blares in the background doesn't sound particularly erotic (nothing against you, Jay), but it's a necessary part of every couple's sex life. "This is the kind of sex that connects you and reaffirms your bond as a couple," says Gina Ogden, Ph.D., a researcher and sex therapist in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and author of The Return of Desire.
On the nights you're too drained for long, drawn-out foreplay, boil it down to a couple of well-placed caresses that you can count on to expedite arousal. When you're both riled up enough for intercourse, the goal is to orgasm—fast. To that end, choose O-friendly positions that lend themselves to clitoral contact. Woman on top is your best bet because it lets you control the pace, but don't count out positions that allow for manual stimulation (side by side, from behind).
You probably won't break the bed or wake the neighbors with this kind of sex, but you'll fall asleep satisfied, which is all that matters. "You don't want this to be the only way you have sex, but you should have it a lot," says Schwartz. "So if you're having sex four times a week, maintenance sex should account for two or three of those times."
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Last updated: May 13, 2011 Issue date: October 2010
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